In the last couple of months, I decided to finally open my heart and experience what love could be. I went on Hinge, set up my profile, met a couple of guys, and went on a few dates. Mind you, it was a good experience, I learned more about what I wanted in a future partner and what I bring to the table. And mainly learned more about myself and my worth.
But damn, it sucks.
It sucks knowing that when I put myself out there, share things about myself to these guys, that in the end all that was left with me being broken-hearted. Every single guy was one foot in, one foot out and that I was giving too much of myself to guys who could not hold it well. I found myself losing a part of me with the constant mental space it took.
Is it selfish to think that I deserve a love that is passionate, fearless, something that makes me feel alive? The kind where I can walk alongside someone who continues to push me to grow and vice versa? Because before I die, I want to be someone's favorite thing.
I started keeping a journal, a small one where I can fill with quotes and words that spoke to me. Some came from books I've read, podcasts I've listened, Instagram posts, conversations I've had, and thoughts I had with myself. I hope that these words shared will stir something inside you and remind you of how worthy you are.
WORDS OF WORTH:
If you were to ask me how my heart is, I would say that I feel fulfilled. To end this on a good note there are things I'm re-starting to love again. It's reminding myself that I am my own top priority and that I will never accept anything less than what I deserve. It's surrounding myself with people who lift me up and fill my own cup. It's leaving my faith into the Universe and to God, who I know will bring the right people and person in my life. It's knowing that I deserve the effort, the reciprocal actions, the fulfilled promises, and clear communication.
So maybe right now, love is not in the cards for me. Maybe it's learning to forgive myself for giving so much to people who could not carry it. Maybe it's choosing to love so deeply in a world that sometimes fails to do so. Maybe it's creating a home for only me to occupy. Maybe it's developing new standards to improve my life. Maybe it's intentionally pouring myself into the hobbies and passions that fuel my soul. Maybe it's surrounding myself with people who allow me to be my most authentic self.
It could be that this journey is just me to walk through.
Anyways, I love you and you are where you need to be.
(a reminder for myself.)
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