Ever dreamt of something, experience or moment in time where later in the future, you experience that experience or moment in real life? To me, I call that deja vu. I remember riding in the car on my way to my chiropractor appointment and telling my sister about that and she told me it means that you are in the right place at the right time.
That feeling of deja vu is a sign that where you are in life right now is suppose to happen.
And with that thought got me thinking: God's timing happens for a reason. You are here, who/what/where/why you are for a reason. Don't rush that process.
I think I sometimes forget that I am not in control of my own life. I tend to want to control what happens in my life: my goals, aspirations, activities, etc. I wanted things my way. Don’t get me wrong, having dreams and goals are essential for growth. But sometimes things that I want can often not align with what God wants for me. And that is good because there's a divine being out there who has a plan for me. He has bigger and better plans for me, way beyond what I could ever imagine.
As I continue to reflect back on my time in undergrad, I do tend to think of things that I regret doing and not doing. Mainly wondering why I chose to follow certain paths and wonder if that prevented me from my calling and goals and dreams. But as I continue to dwell on it, I know that my time in undergrad: the people that came into my life, the experiences, the moments, the growth all had to happen for a reason. I really wouldn't be where I am today.
It took this season of healing to learn how to forgive myself. My accident led me to self-destruction. I blamed myself for not following my gut and not listening to myself.
I was constantly thinking, "If I just applied to this job... If I just said yes to living in Seattle... If I stopped being afraid..." then it wouldn't have led to my accident. I thought that my accident was the result of not following my heart. I let fear and self-doubt take over my thoughts. I bogged myself down, beating myself up mentally for not trusting myself and my God.
I felt stuck. Like my life hasn't really truly started.
Being in school for so long, I was constantly thinking of the next thing. It's as if I'm constantly in a rush. A rush to launch my career. A rush to move out of the house. A rush to complete the box on my life to-do list. And so on and so on. With my accident, it made me realize that my accident was (in irony) not an accident. I believe it had to happen for a reason.
I came across this quote as I was scrolling through my Pinterest feed. It says,
"Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path."
My church pastor mentioned something in his Sunday preaching that has stuck to me to this day: delay does not equal denial. Timing is essential. Even if at times I'm experiencing a lack of purpose, God reminds me that He has placed certain events and experiences in our life for a reason. You have to meet the right people, the right job, the right opportunity at the right time. But if you're asking, "When will that time come?" Well, I'm here to tell you that I don't have that answer. Only God does. You just have to trust God and the process. Keep your faith and stay encouraged. There's purpose in everything in your life.
One of the mistakes I tend to assume is the thought: If God wants me to have something, He will provide it for me. I don't have to do anything. No stress or pressure in the process. I don't need to work for it. The blessing will just fall into my lap. That was my former thought. It was how I viewed my relationship with God. It caused me to miss out on the possibilities that God has planned for me. God should never be contained. How can we call Him the Almighty if we place him in a certain box?
It can take a crazy situation (or many) to remind yourself that you are not fully in control. God is fully in control and intentional. It took a lot out of me to look back and realize the immense amount of growth and tenacity I've faced. The Jireh a couple months ago is a different person versus the Jireh that is writing this blog as of now. And I never want to look back. I want to go forward, head first, without fear and holdback.
I have nothing to be afraid of. Heck, I almost lost my life a couple months back. I got nothing else to lose. Now it's time for breakthroughs and victories. Time for higher goals and bigger dreams!
If you have something you dream of, ask God for courage and guidance to go through the giants and battles that you will face. Remember, faith requires action. Things won't happen if you just sit around waiting. You can't just wait for things to appear on your plate. You have to take action for things to happen. Whether it's that career change, job opportunity, finding a lifelong partner, or going back to school, push forward. A dear friend also reminded me that making others happy should not come to a price of losing your own happiness. It may sound selfish, but you only have one life to live. So make it the most.
Remember, growing might feel like breaking at first. It may require you to release whatever you are holding on with strong hands and let go to allow room for the Holy Spirit to work through you.
I want to share another quote that I found:
"Growth:
Everything will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to, regardless of how and when you may want it to. Let your faith in the journey be stronger than your doubts and fears. Be patient with yourself and your growth, knowing that good things always take time. Give yourself time and space to try things and explore different paths. You will get there one day, so don't forget to enjoy the journey too."
- Walk the Earth
By the time you read this post, I am excited to announced that I am done with my therapy/treatment. Before then, I wasn't working since my accident. My days were usually filled with cabin fever, weekly trips to the doctor and therapist, calls to dear friends, to-do lists, completing projects that I have set aside.
With all the time that I had, self-reflection and self-intentionality have been my everyday. I'm applying for a couple of things here and there. I've realized that I have nothing to worry about. I don't need to prepare fully for the future, for I know that my God has something big planned for me. I just need to take it one day at a time and be fully present with where I am right now, while working a little bit on myself everyday. Only forward right?
*This photo was taken weeks ago, but it holds meaning. In this photo, i wear the exact same outfit that I wore the night of my accident. I wanted to give new meaning to these clothes, so instead of looking at these clothes as a reminder of my accident, it’s a reminder of the growth that i went through these past 5 months. The growth towards forgiveness, healing, and heading to the future with bold courage.*
Wow, I preached my heart out in this blog post! Until the next one!
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