The future is always a scary thing.
I've had my fair share of societal pressure and expectations from my Filipino upbringing. The expectation is that you go to college to get a degree in a successful career and I only had 3 options: medical field, business field or lawyer. All good paying careers. There's a great amount of societal pressure in individuals my age that we need to have an immediate answer to the question, "What are you going to do with your life?" That often leads to being anxious and overwhelmed.
It's just like what Parker J. Palmer would say:
"We arrive in this world with birthright gifts - then spend the first half of our lives abandoning them or letting others disabuse use of them. As young people, we are surrounded by expectations that may have little to do with who we really are, expectations held by people who are not trying to discern our selfhood but to fit us into slots.... we are trained away from true self toward images of acceptability; under social pressures... our original shape is deformed beyond recognition; and we ourselves, driven by fear, too often betray true self to gain the approval of others."
4 years ago, I did not know what the heck I wanted to study. I came to SPU with an intended communications major with a business minor. But I didn't feel at peace with what I was studying. I changed my major 5 billion times (figuratively) throughout my first year. Then Spring Quarter came and I took a class called, "Major and Career Exploration" that finally solidified what I was going to study in the next following years: Family & Consumer Sciences Secondary Education. I was set on being a high school teacher and taking both FCS and ED classes. I was excited and looking forward to teaching students the basic life skills needed in order to thrive. Life skills like: personal finance, cooking, independent living...
But it's funny what college can do to you.
Fast-forward to fall quarter of Senior year. I was set and ready to do my student-teaching internship. I had a mentor teacher, colleagues, students, and a classroom to practice everything that I've learned through my classes. However, during that time I felt uncertain if this was what God was leading me to. I've enjoyed my time at the high school but couldn't help but think, "Is this it? There's gotta be more." I was set and ready for my career post-undergrad. But often doubted myself. I was seeking something else, something beyond even I couldn't see myself at the moment. And that really scared me.
It's the human in all of us to take control on what we want to do with our lives. While we do have the freedom to make our own decisions, ultimately it is God who sets out the path for us. Fall quarter was a tough season to discern what decisions I need to make and what doors I have to close in order to welcome new ones. I've hit another pivotal moment in my life: do I stick around and stay in my student-teaching experience or do I shift gears and pursue something else?
Vocation does not equal career. Rather, the main goal is to seek the thread that ties together the gifts, passions and needs that was molded and shaped in your life. It's looking into the details, the little bits of memories in which you felt joy, passion, alive. Discerning at this season was immensely difficult for I would have to journey into a path that required a lot out of me. But I know that I wouldn't be alone in the process.
"Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent."
- Parker J. Palmer; Let Your Life Speak
I knew that my calling was out there in the world. Quite literally.
Discerning about what made me felt joy, passion, and alive were in moments in which I was exploring. The world is my classroom and I've had the most fun when I was out seeing the world. I've been immensely grateful to see the world at Guatemala, China, and the Philippines during my time here at SPU. And so this pivot meant closing the door with my student-teaching internship and pursuing to teach abroad. I spent Winter quarter pursuing my TEFL teaching certification through an online academy while working on my minor in Leadership Studies at SPU. I also had the opportunity to intern at my university's Multi-Ethnic programs, which gave me a glimpse on what the higher education institution was like.
Here's another pivot:
Now, as I am encountering my last quarter of undergrad, I'm also looking into possibly working in a higher education institution. There's so many things that I want to do and I felt that I needed to land, "the job" right before I graduate. But there's a sense of peace within me knowing that I'm okay with not knowing what I'm going to be doing after college.
Part of finding out calling is to own our mistakes and learning from them. Often we tend to celebrate our achievements, not acknowledging the mistakes and life lessons we went through. So make mistakes fearlessly. By exploring into the unknown, I've discovered parts of myself (and the world around me) that I did not know about. I used to resent myself for deciding to continue on with my student-teaching up till fall, when I could've use that time to graduate early or take up a minor or retake a class... the possibilities are endless. I felt like a failure to myself, to my friends, and to my family. But I know that things happen for a reason. Our mistakes are what shapes us into the person that we are today.
Life is constantly going to be filled with pivotal moments. It's a chance to either choose a life for yourself or the path of which God is leading us to.
Now I don't know the exact answer to the questions, "What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to be? How do I know?" But quite frankly I'm glad that I don't know. There's a sense of peace within me knowing that despite the uncertainties that I have in life, that in the end, it will be good. There's beauty in uncertainty for the future, otherwise it would be boring knowing how your whole life will end up. It's more exciting to look forward to what's out there.
So I'm learning to let go what I want to do and focus more on what God wants me to do. It's laying both of my hands wide open to receive the provisions and opportunities that God is pivoting me towards. I'm at peace knowing that I don't necessarily need to know everything that is set out for me. I wanted to make this post because I am 110% sure everyone experiences pivotal moments at least one point of their life. If you are reading this, know that you are going to be okay.
To let go sometimes means going against everyone's expectations. But those who will support you regardless of your continuous pivots and changes, will continue to love you no matter what. And I've been immensely grateful to have a family who will continue to support the many crazy ideas and dreams I seek out.
I want to leave this message by Mother Teresa:
"We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and be loved."
My personal journey is deemed not more important than anyone else's. It's my own example of how seeking your calling comes from the little details in life. And that you don't need to know every single detail of what your life will turn out. As I'm counting down the days to the end of my undergrad career, I am humbled and thankful for the many ways God has continued to mold and shape me this whole year. Cheers to the gift of life and 20 days left till undergrad!
