1.22.19
I haven't been honest with myself.
I've grown up Christian my whole life, believing that there was an almighty being out there who is good and just. I've grown reading Bible verses, coloring Noah's ark, and singing worship songs.
But my faith journey was always with myself. I know that by being with God meant being with people of God, but I've struggled at finding my own faith community. I've struggled to find people who are willing to have deep conversations, discern, fight, tug and pull. Throughout college, I've church-hopped many places around Seattle, hoping to seek a place where I can find, "home."
I've posted online, preaching about the goodness of God and what He has done in my life. Yet, I've never devoted myself to reading his book. So yesterday, when I went to Value Village with my little sister, I decided to (finally) buy myself a Bible. And to make it my own, I've painted the cover with a quote from a song that really means a lot to me: spirit lead me. This song is called, "Oceans" by Hillsong (please listen is you haven't) and it's the song that has transformed me. When this song played years back during worship at a church service, I immediately and truly felt the presence of God. Not only that, I fully committed myself to Him during that moment. I worshipped with my hands high with tears streaming down my face.
Now there's a reason why I feel like I haven't been honest with myself. If I'm going to be committed to this faith journey, I needed a road map to navigate me there. I've been winging my life, making turns that I pray would end in my favor. Like can I really call myself a Christian? But now, I've devoted to relying on this road map: my Bible. When I first opened it at the thrift store, there was a love note from the owner given by her husband. I don't remember what was written in it since I ripped it off but it was somewhere along the lines of God's creations being intentional and that there's always a reason for everything.
I'm taking that there's a reason for my lack of navigation within my faith journey. That the reason why I keep my faith journey to myself was that I needed that roadmap to help guide me. By this plan of action, I hope to become more honest with myself when it comes to sharing God's word. In one of my classes, I'm reading this book that has a quote that really stuck out to me:
"[Living as a Christian] does not mean isolating yourself, far removed and decontaminated from the squalor and mess of the world. It is rather that caring for the vulnerable and marginalized has a purifying effect upon us. It clarifies our vision, shifts our perspective on the world. It refocuses our vision. It readjusts and realigns our priorities. It reconfigures our perception and has a transforming effect upon us." (Greenhouses of Hope)
I plan on sharing some of what I'm reading on this blog so stay tuned! Maybe even prepare yourself a cup of tea.
Song: "Oceans" by Hillsong
Book: "Greenhouses of Hope" by Dori Grinenko Baker